The Day Everything Disappeared
by wackochica
Summary: Everyone's a suspect... Not a very good summary I know. Just read. You'll laugh, I promise ;)


Title: The Day Everything Disappeared  
  
Authors: Myself (wackochica) and Melissa (MP119)  
  
Rating: PG13 (for curse words and talk of thongs)  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own them, never will.  
  
Robyn's A/N: Ok, so what happens when two girls get very very bored and have nothing else better to do? Well, they write a story like this. Complete stupidity, so it's not to be taken serious. Hopefully, we can get a few laughs outta ya. ;)  
  
Melissa's A/N: We weren't bored, we were hitting the bong too hard ;)  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Clark: Dammit, where was my plaid shirt? Granted, I had hundreds but I couldn't find the red one. As I was turning my loft upside down looking for it, I realized something was very off. There was silence. It was 6 AM. This did not add up. I walked over to the loft window and looked down into the pasture. My jaw almost hit the floor and I felt tears well up in my eyes. The cows were gone.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Martha:  
  
I patted Clark's shoulder. "Clark, I'm sure they're safe."  
  
He looked up at me, his blue eyes wet. "But what about Betsy? And Mindy? They can't survive out in the cold."  
  
I sighed. "Clark, it's the middle of August."  
  
"Yes, but still," he said.  
  
"Well, I know what will make you feel better."  
  
He looked up, his eyes hopeful.  
  
I went on. "Some nice apple pie."  
  
He smiled slightly.  
  
I went over to the refrigerator and opened it. I felt my heart almost stop and I sank to my knees. Clark looked up. "Mom?"  
  
"Clark, call nine-one-one. The pies are gone!"  
  
*~*~*  
  
Lex:  
  
I walk into my entirely too expensive office, hearing my entirely too expensive shoes click on the entirely too expensive wooden floor, and I walk over to my entirely too expensive refrigerator to get my... Tynant water. I open the door and faint, hitting the floor with a resounding thud. Just then, Lionel walks in, swinging his hips in a girly fashion and carrying a pink purse.  
  
"Lex, do you fancy a spot of tea?"  
  
"Father..."  
  
"Yes, my dear, sweet, loving son? Whom I love so much."  
  
"The Tynant... they're GONE!"  
  
"Well, what a coinky dinky, my bastardness is gone also. So, about the tea..."  
  
*~*~*  
  
Lana:  
  
Lalalala, another day as the gorgeous Lana Lang. Life was perfect, as always. I stepped out of the shower and put on my robe. I ran a brush through my wet hair as I walked into my bedroom. I opened up my closet. What to wear, what to wear? It was so hard being beautiful. I picked up one of my many endless pairs of jeans. OK, so should I go with that pink top or the other pink top? I opened my chest of drawers, humming. I opened the top drawer, reserved for pink halters. It was completely empty. Heart beating wildly, I opened the second drawer, reserved for pink tank tops. Empty! The third drawer, reserved for long sleeved pink shirts, yielded the same result. EMPTY!  
  
I ran to my closet. My pink purse-gone! My pink shoes-gone! I looked at my bureau. My pink sunglasses-gone! I opened my underwear drawer. Gone, gone, gone!  
  
I sat on my pink bedspread (thank God, at least that was still there), sobbing. I was going to be naked for the rest of my life.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Chloe:  
  
Pete and I walk into the Talon, heading straight for the counter to get some coffee. Pete's very silent, which isn't normal by Smallville standards at ALL! I mean, this guy is usually talking a mile a minute. Anywho, I arrive at the counter and place my order, anxiously anticipating the hot, deliciously goodness of the brewing concoction I can practically inhale through my nose... yea, I guess coffee is cool. The waitress returns with an apologetic and constipated look on her face.  
  
"Sorry, no more coffee. We're all out."  
  
Chloe's eyes roll back and she falls into Pete's arms.  
  
"What's wrong!"  
  
"No more coffee... going to die..."  
  
"Chloe, we can go to the Beanery..."  
  
"No coffee... need coffee..."  
  
"For Pete's sake, Chloe, the Beanery is RIGHT THERE..."  
  
"I... can't... breathe..."  
  
Pete's lips moved, but no words came out. He found a piece of paper and pen and wrote on it, shoving it at Chloe.  
  
"MY LINES ARE GONE."  
  
She pats his shoulder. "Sweetie, they were never there to begin with. Coffee! I need coffee!"  
  
*~*~*  
  
Bo Kent:  
  
"Dad! Mom fainted!" Clark shouted at me as I came into the house.  
  
"What? She fainted?" I rushed over to Martha, who was on the floor. "Clark, the smelling salts!"  
  
He looked at me strangely. "Dad, this isn't the 16th century, you know."  
  
"Don't you dare answer me back, young man! Smelling salts!"  
  
He rolled his eyes and gave me the container of table salt. I looked at him strangely then shrugged. It would do. As I passed it under Martha's nose I said, "Clark, why did she faint?"  
  
His eyes seemed to be watery now and he told me a loooong story of how the cows were gone and Martha's pies disappeared.  
  
I looked at him, clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Son, how many times have I told you that you must watch over the cows? This shows how irresponsible blah blah blah." Clark looked at me, his eyebrows raised. My eyes widened and I clutched a hand to my heart. "Clark...My platitudes. They're gone!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I...can't seem to make a self-righteous speech." I wiped my brow, took out my bottle of Tynant water.  
  
"Dad..." Clark stopped and looked at the bottle. "Where'd you get that?" he asked suspiciously.  
  
"What? I always drink Tynant water."  
  
"Dad..."  
  
"Clark, this is an emergency. Forget about the water! The platitudes are gone!"  
  
*~*~*  
  
Lex:  
  
Lex lay on the couch in his office, his father prancing around the office, looking for something to do.  
  
"This room would be wonderful and oh so exquisite if only you had the right fashion designer and fashion tips. Oh, what I could do with this room! A little pink ballerina figurine here, some silky tapestries there. Oh, and this horrid Goth look you have going on in here. Has to go!"  
  
"Father, now is not the time-"  
  
"Shh... do you hear that?"  
  
"Hear what?"  
  
"Oh, the birds! The chirping! Can't you hear it? Isn't it... wonderful?"  
  
Lionel sighed and Lex groaned.  
  
"I preferred you being a bastard. And why do you talk so much?"  
  
Lionel stopped skipping around the room to look at his son. "I don't know... Oh Lex, does this suit make me look too... *whispers* fat? Oh, I love the outfit you're wearing though. If only I had bought it... I'd be so pretty... so pretty. Watch this. Pretty, pretty dancing. Pretty, pretty dancing."  
  
Lex got up and shoved passed his dancing father to get a bottle of milk from the refrigerator.  
  
"Where did you get the milk from son? I thought you only drank water. And scotch. Did I ever tell you that scotch is very very bad for you? Goes straight to the ass, and that is not good. No no no." Lionel walked over to the window. "We have cows? I love cows. But they're oh so fat. They must drink scotch. You see Alexander, I-"  
  
"The cows... I um, bought them. Off of EBay. That's where I got the milk from... from the cows... that I bought. Yea bought."  
  
Lionel looked at him strangely before continuing to dance around the office.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Clark:  
  
I walked into the Talon, shoulders hunched. The bell over the door jingled and the door slapped me in the ass as it closed. As always. Sometimes I wonder if Lana had trained it to do that.  
  
It was completely empty. No customers and no waitresses. I shrugged as I went over to the stereo in the corner. I turned it on.  
  
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard  
  
And they're like, it's better than yours  
  
Damn right, it's better than yours  
  
Oooo, I loved this song! I grabbed a pen from the counter and did my Kelis imitation. I jumped on the counter.  
  
I know you want it  
  
The thing that makes me  
  
What the guys go crazy for  
  
They loose their minds  
  
Just as I was doing my hip-shaking, I heard someone behind me go. "Oh God. Clark, what the hell are you doing?"  
  
I looked down at Lana, who was scowling at me. She looked.different. Black jeans, black top, black beret. Hmm, I couldn't put my finger on it, but something was different. Anywho, I said, "Singing. Kelis is the best."  
  
"Whatever. You're, like, so gay."  
  
My eyes welled up with tears. "What would make you say that? Jeez, Lana, I've had the worst day. My cows are gone. Can't a guy sing in peace?"  
  
She rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Loser."  
  
"What crawled up your butt and died?"  
  
She started to walk away and stopped. "Clark, why are you wearing pink sunglasses?"  
  
My face went red. "Uh.My Mom got them for me."  
  
Lana looked at me suspiciously. "Uh-huh. I think you are gay, Clark."  
  
I pouted. "That was mean."  
  
"Bite me."  
  
*~*~*  
  
Chloe:  
  
I searched through my entire house, opening every single cabinet and coming up with nothing. I see a piece of paper waved in front of my face, so I snatched it quickly and read it. I turn to him, angry.  
  
"I don't care if coffee is bad for me and that it will cost me my youth. And that coffee is not the most important thing in the world and that some secrets are just too big for some people to handle, I need coffee! And don't you dare give me that stern look! You remind me of... someone. I can't put my finger on it though."  
  
Pete continued to glare at her, hands on his hips, as he looked around the kitchen. He pointed to the food on the counter.  
  
"Pies, Pete."  
  
Pete gestured around the kitchen, clearly asking where she got them from.  
  
I sigh. "Ebay."  
  
Pete shrugged and started opening and closing cabinets along with me.  
  
"I already looked, Pete. No coffee to be found. I'm going to die. I don't want to die young. There are still so many things I haven't seen, so many coffee flavors I haven't tasted. So many- oh. What's this Pete?"  
  
I grab the piece of paper from him, ignoring his scowl.  
  
"You really must learn to grow up, Chloe Sullivan. Coffee is just another habit that you must break. Like my father once told me-" I skip over more blabbering and get to the important part. "And I'm not looking for coffee. I'm looking for my lines. You see, in life-"  
  
*~*~*  
  
Martha/Jonathan:  
  
"Jonathan, I just don't know what to do! Without my pies, I'm lost." Martha said to her husband, wiping her tears.  
  
"Martha, it will be alright. When we find who did it blah blah blah."  
  
She looked at him exasperated. "Jonathan! Will you stop doing that?!"  
  
"I'm sorry. I can't get used to the fact that my platitudes are gone. How can they just have disappeared like that? It is wrong and unjust blah blah blah.Dammit!"  
  
She patted his shoulder. "There, there, Jonathan. Let me fix you some coffee."  
  
"Thought we were out of coffee." He said.  
  
Martha's cheeks went red as she set down the two cups. "Uh.we were. I bought some more off Ebay."  
  
"They sell coffee on Ebay? It's preposterous how these companies blah blah blah.Crap, I've got to stop doing that!" He took the first sip. "Martha?"  
  
She looked up innocently. "Yes?"  
  
"This coffee tastes suspiciously like a cappuccino. You never make cappuccino."  
  
"Uh, I thought I'd try something new."  
  
"You know, this tastes like that girl Chloe Sullivan's coffee." He said.  
  
Martha fainted.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Lex:  
  
I rode towards the Talon, enjoying the feel of the soft breeze flowing through my... jacket. I see Lana, Chloe, and Pete standing outside the Talon, Chloe trying to persuade Lana to let them in. Pete stands by quietly. As I get closer to them, I hear Lana snort.  
  
"Nice ride, Lex. I thought only Clark did the cow thing."  
  
"Hey, I resent that," Clark shouted, appearing out of nowhere. He stuck a pink lollipop into his mouth and licked it seductively at Chloe.  
  
"Is that coffee flavored, Clark?"  
  
"Why don't you come over here and find out."  
  
"(Insert bitchy Lana line here)"  
  
Clark's eyes fill with tears and Chloe takes the lollipop and tastes it.  
  
"Ew, do... do I taste pink lipgloss?"  
  
Lex jumped off of his cow and turned around in time to see Lionel skipping over to them, throwing flowers in every direction.  
  
"Here comes the bride, all dressed in white, la dee dee dum la doo doo doo doo doo da! Oh Lex, loving the cow. Just loving it!" He winked at his son before walking over to Pete. "Pete! Have I told you how much I respect you. You're the only black guy in Smallville and you manage to keep your ghettoness in check. Bravo, Petey. I applaud you."  
  
Since Pete couldn't talk, he did the next best thing. He tackled Lionel to the ground and started slapping him.  
  
"Pete! Pete! Watch the jacket, it's Prada!"  
  
*~*~*  
  
Jonathan/Martha:  
  
"Martha, we are going into town."  
  
"For?"  
  
"So you can buy ingredients for some new pies."  
  
Martha gasped, clutching her heart. "Jonathan! How dare you suggest.No! I want those pies!"  
  
He sucked his teeth as he led her outside, clutching his bottle of Tyant water. "So we'll go to the Talon. I wanna know whats the hullabaloo about that place."  
  
Martha screeched like a wild woman. "I want my pies goddammit!"  
  
"Maybe we'll stop by the drug store too. Although the costs of medication these days is blah blah blah.Shit."  
  
"Why'd we have to take the motorcycle?" Martha asked outside the Talon.  
  
"Because..It makes me look 10 years younger."  
  
As they approached the Talon, Lionel ran up, swinging his flower basket. "Jonathan! Jolly good to see you, old chap!" He turned to Martha. "Martha, darling, I love that lipstick. How's your sex life? We must catch up over pedicures next week."  
  
Martha blinked.  
  
Jonathan ignored Lionel as he drank his Tynant. He saw the cow tied up outside the door and said, "Golly, that cow looks familiar. Can't put my finger on it though."  
  
He turned to see Pete glaring at him. "Well, hello.er, I wanna say Paul?" He took the card Pete thrust at him and read it. "I have my shoelaces untied? Well, yes, it is a danger but.."He threw the card back at him. "What the hell do you know, you're just the token black guy."  
  
Pete jumped him and Jonathan screeched, "Hey hey hey! Watch the jacket! It's Route 66!"  
  
*~*~*  
  
Lex:  
  
As Pete and Jonathan fought, I noticed a blue bottle in Jonathan's hands. I ran over and grabbed it, pulling Jonathan up.  
  
"You don't drink Tynant! GASP! These are mine."  
  
"And you don't ride to the Talon on cows! GASP! Those are mine."  
  
"Actually, they're Clark's." Lex's eyes traveled to Clark as he pulled out a wedgie.  
  
"I don't see how you girls do it. Pink thongs are a pain in the ass. Literally!"  
  
Lana gasped. "Clark! You have my pink stuff?"  
  
"No... I bought these-  
  
"Off EBay" everyone shouted. Clark blushed.  
  
Pete threw his pen and paper down and stormed around. Chloe glared at everyone.  
  
"I know one of you has my coffee. Now who is it!"  
  
"This is crazy," I scream. "I want everyone to return everything to their rightful owner!"  
  
*~*~*  
  
Lana:  
  
Oh my God, I was surrounded by psychos. I looked at Clark, who was blushing. "You're wearing my thong?"  
  
"Um, yeah?"  
  
My mouth fell open. Not that I would've minded seeing that.  
  
Lionel skipped up to the counter. "Lana, dear, do you have any low fat muffins? I'm trying to watch my figure."  
  
I scowled at him. "No. They're all loaded with fats and carbs."  
  
"Oh deary me. Well, as they say, a moment on the lips, forever on the hips. I think I'll pass."  
  
"Oh yay."  
  
He pursed his lips. "That attitude.It's very reminiscent of my old one."  
  
I couldn't help it, I turned red.  
  
"You wouldn't happen to have seen it, have you?" He asked.  
  
I cracked. "I took it, ok!"  
  
"Oh." He paused. "Well, I'd like it back."  
  
*~*~*  
  
Martha:  
  
I turned around and practically bumped into Chloe. She looked at me, one eyebrow raised. "Mrs. Kent, is that coffee that I smell on your breath?"  
  
I backed away. She looked like an animal about to attack. "Uh, no?"  
  
"Don't fuck with me, I haven't had a cup of coffee in 5 whole hours!"  
  
"OK, OK, I stole your coffee!" I prepared for the attack. "I'm sorry. I had to get my mind off the pies."  
  
I prepared for her attack. Instead, she said, "Oh those. They were delicious, by the way."  
  
"WHAT? You stole my pies? You little bitch, I'm gonna get you!"  
  
*~*~*  
  
Jonathan:  
  
I finally got Pete off of me. Once again, he had a stern look on his face. He looked like an angry Teletubby.  
  
I took the card that he passed me. "Mr. Kent, fighting is irresponsible and dangerous. Either one of us could've been hurt. Or passerby. From here on in." I stopped reading and looked up at him. "This sounds familiar.It's like the speech I gave to those 2 kids the other day."  
  
Pete suddenly looked away. It dawned on me. "You took them?!"  
  
He started whistling and shaking his head.  
  
"Look, you token black guy, you need to give me back my platitudes! Or else!"  
  
He scribbled furiously on a flash card. "Or else what?"  
  
"Or else I'll take away that Ninja Turtles blanky you like so much!"  
  
He pouted and wrote: "All right, I'll give them back. They were a lot of fun too."  
  
"Don't I know it.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Lionel:  
  
Lionel walked over to Pete and patted him on the shoulder. "So Mr Ross, now that I have my bastardness back, I'd like to let you know, I have your lines. And I don't intend on giving them back. Just like I didn't intend on giving back the Cream Corn factory. And I never did. You see, in life-"  
  
Pete shoved Lionel to the ground, slapping him yet again. Lionel reluctantly gave Pete his lines back and Pete walked away happily.  
  
"Yea, you better run!"  
  
He looked down at his jacket and started petting it.  
  
"Aw, Prada baby, he didn't hurt you did he? Did he? Aw no, we'll get him, won't we? Yes we will. Yes we will."  
  
Lionel started cackling evilly and everyone ran at the sight, Clark and Lex hopping onto the cow and riding off into the sunset.  
  
THE END! 


End file.
